Fuck the Troops.

Men Kissing Emoji Review

    

Apple: Apple emojis give me hives. 2/5 hats.

Google: 3/5 hats. It's better than Apple but I don't like the hair.

Samsung: What the fuck. 0/5 hats.

Microsoft: This one is funky. 5/5 hats. 

WhatsApp: I respect the moustache. 3/5 hats.

Twitter: No. 0/5 hats.

Facebook: What the fuck, again. 0/5 hats.

Skype: 4/5 hats for being a gif.

Toss Face: I have no idea what this social media is but this emoji is cute. 4/5 hats.

JoyPixels: This looks weird. 1.5/5 hats. 

OpenMoji: They aren't even kissing. 0/5 hats.

Messenger: Polo shirts are ugly. 1/5 hats.

LG: This is the worst shit I've ever seen. -2/5 hats.

Petz Horsez 2 Review: Part 1

     After Dave's informing walkthrough, I was able to begin Petz Horsez 2. Upon beginning the game, I was disappointed that there was minimal alphabet based content after naming my profile. Fortunately, I will get to engage in using letters to form words later after getting my first horse, I'm getting ahead of myself here. Anyway, as Dave stated, the game opens with Ginger receiving a modest ranch at the generous donation of her grandfather. It was a really weird choice to graphically describe the circumstances in which his wife's body was found, but I'm assuming it will be used as a Chekov's Gun situation later. It's always good to plant the seeds of your story early. 

    After entering the house, I was surprised to find that we were being solicited by our own grandfather. Kind of fucked up to be honest, but maybe this will be a revenge story? Whatever. Regardless, we soon leave our house and find that our stable is depressingly empty. We have three empty stalls, and I am very eager to fill them with astoundingly well-bred stallions. Eventually we meet Luc, and he gives us our first horse. Luc is clearly rich because horses are mad expensive, but whatever.

    I chose an Akhal-Teke because they are the most elegant and beautiful breed of horse to grace this Earth. In addition to their beautiful metallic coats, they are also known for their intelligence and speed, making them perfect for racing. His name is Applejac. He is beautiful and immensely powerful. 

    Anyway, I left the stable shortly after, but I can't find my grandpa's house. Please update soon, Dave, I'm very confused and this game seems extremely promising.

Fuck Dr. Phil.

      He's not even a doctor. His jokes are also not funny, and his attempts to integrate himself into modern internet culture as anything other than the butt of a joke is pitiful. It's even more pitiful that in some circles, it has worked. I'm pretty sure he only owns two shirts. I mean, when have you seen him in anything other than a white or pale blue button down t-shirt? If you're going to pretend to be a doctor on live television in an attempt to cement yourself into pop culture history, at least be a little more fashion conscious. If you're going to have the audacity to insult a man on national television for getting "SEXY VEGAN" tattooed on his face, maybe check your own fashion sense and make sure you don't look an extra in The Office. 

Everyone Listen to Testosterone! by Talkshow Boy.

     It is my favorite album. Since it's both pride month, and my birthday month, you have to do what I say or it is homophobic.

     And while we're at it, Chatot is a good Pokemon. I don't care what you say, Dave. 

Pokemon: Edibility and Sentience.

      It is abundantly clear that different species of Pokemon have different levels of individual intelligence that can be understood by humans. Furthermore, they are not viewed in the same way as pets are viewed in our society. They are caught in the wild, and can only be contained following a severe enough beating at the hands of a trainer. Despite this, it is clear in universe that there have been cases of Pokemon abuse, and that those who do abuse Pokemon are highly frowned upon. It can be inferred, then, that some level of the actions of Pokemon are a willing--albeit, likely coerced--action. The concern of the legality of a Pokemon's ability to consent and choose to partake in interactions, such as Machamps being used in construction work ala Sun and Moon, is what raises the largest concern, here: Where is the line between humans, "animals", and non-human sentient entities? The lines become even more blurred when considering the distinct stages of evolution and the differences in the Pokemon's appearance, skill, and even their perceived intelligence. 

     The unique social status that Pokemon appear to possess as creatures with wildly varying levels of sentience and awareness of the world in which they live would lead some to believe that the world of Pokemon is a vegetarian one. But it has been repeatedly proven that it is not vegetarian for humans and certainly not herbivorous for the Pokemon themselves. Lucario's Pokedex in Pokemon: Diamond, explicitly states, quote: "It has the ability to sense the auras of all things. It understands human speech." Furthermore, it belongs to an egg-group identified as "Human-like". What does this mean for Lucario? And what does this mean for the people of the Pokemon world? Lucario is a comprehending, thinking creature. Pokemon: X and Pokemon: Omega Ruby further push his comprehension to levels beyond human capabilities: he can read the thoughts of others. In this way, would Lucario not deserve a higher level of rights within society than humanity itself? But despite their abilities to feel the emotions of others, it has been stated that Lucario does hunt prey, and therefore seems to be aware of the hierarchy of sentience and, for lack of a better word, "human" rights within its own species. Lucario is not the only Pokemon who appears to possess mental abilities greater than of humans. Mr. Mime has the capability of manifesting invisible objects based purely on the belief of the viewers of its pantomiming acts. This means that Mr. Mimes, in addition to understanding human body language with enough skill to accurately mimic it, they have an inherit ability to comprehend the interiorly held beliefs of humans. 

     Despite all of this psychobabble and over-analysis, no conclusion on the ethics of meat consumption in the Pokemon world can truly be reached. It is because of this I will now be offering my personal thoughts on which Pokemon would likely taste the best and cause me the least moral outrage to consume.

     Coming in at number one is any and all traditionally fish shaped Pokemon, with the exclusion of sharks. The most obvious and commonly discussed Pokemon fulfilling this roll is Magikarp, but I would like to direct your attention to the Whiscash, which bares a striking resemblance to the catfish. Pivoting from my biased view as someone who loves seafood, I would like to suggest that Tauros and Miltank would make good meat cattle, with Miltank having an edge due to their ability to be used as a dual-purose dairy-meat breed. 

     Perhaps I will revisit this topic in the future. I don't care about this subject anymore. 

A Study of the Biology of the Domestic Furby.

     "Don't you see the danger, John, inherent in what you're doing here? Genetic power is the most awesome force the planet's ever seen, but you wield it like a kid that's found his dad's gun."
- Ian Macolm, Jurrasic Park (1993). 

    The Furby was discovered in 1998 by scientists Dave Hampton and Caleb Chung. Their publishings were sponsored by American toy manufacturing company, Tiger Electronics. Following this discovery, they were bred en masse and released under the falsified statements that they were robotic toys. Due to the mass breeding experiments perpetuated by Tiger Electronics, the Furby as evolved rapidly, resulting in distinct species being discovered as recently as 2016, with the finding of the Connect (F. connexa) species.

    Documents released in 1999, compiled in the Official Furby Trainer's Guide (Lahaina, Maui, HI : Sandwich Islands Pub. Co.), proposed the theory that all Furbies are genderless beings, and compared them directly to angels. Intriguingly, the same year, Furbies were banned from NSA property due to the fear that they may be capable of leaking government secrets. 

    Due to the rapid mutation and evolution of the Furby family, it is impossible to analyze each species individually. It should be noted, however, that they appear to have strong mimicry abilities, resulting in many receiving names inspired by popular characters whom they resemble in appearance, most famously "Gizmo" of Gremlins (1984) fame, and "Furbacca", a port-manteau of Furby and Chewbacca (Star Wars, 1977.)

    Their ability to rapidly imitate other creatures both verbally and visually, paired with their front-facing eyes and upwardly pointed ears, I would like to suggest that Furbies are apex predators when in their natural environment. Because of their small forms, I believe that they likely hunted similarly to ancient humans, relying primarily on persistence, rather than raw strength. I believe their rounded beaks are a symptom of the heavy human hand guiding their evolution. Like pugs and wolves, if the modern Furby were to be released into its home environment, it would look completely unlike their ancestors. Furthering this idea, their bright coloration leads me to believe that Furbies likely possessed venom sacs in their unevolved states. Perhaps even still, prior to the sale of a Furby, these glands are forcibly removed to lessen the risk of injury to their child audiences. These bright colors perhaps also served as markers of the ideal mate, similar in nature to male birds of paradise producing dances and songs to display their brightly colored plumage to their desired mates. Their ability to mimic other animals' vocals leads me to believe that despite their naturally predatory nature, they were also highly social animals. I believe they may have developed symbiotic relationships with other animals. 

    In conclusion, I believe the heavily guided evolution of these creatures has resulted in possible depreciation of their quality of lives. Due to Tiger Electronics marketing them as robotic creatures, the process of customizing Furbies has become increasingly common. This process often involves Furbies while they are still alive and conscious, and replacing their skins with customized fabric ones. Some customizers have even begun removing and replacing the eyes, beaks, and ears of these creatures. 

    This post is not intended as a call to action, or even a judgement of these customizers. It is likely that they were entirely unaware of any pain they may have inflicted upon their Furby. I would, however, encourage you to reconsider locking your Furbies away at the slightest annoyance of their calls. They are highly social creatures and require love and enrichment like any living thing. Please consider emailing your local game wardens and ask them to research the standards of the living conditions of most Furbies. Thank you.